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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26062288">i will not be afraid</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonsis/pseuds/jonsis'>jonsis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Body Horror, Canon-Typical Violence, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Pain, Torture, Tragedy, Vomiting, anyway sorry about this, i didnt go too much into the gorey side of it because im not about that, it hurt to write tbh, its mostly just sad angst shit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:33:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26062288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonsis/pseuds/jonsis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's last moments from his point of view.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sam Cortland &amp; Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien, Sam Cortland/Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>throne of glass fics</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i will not be afraid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>look i honestly dont know write i wrote this bc it killed me to write, but i needed to get it out of my system bc i just....like angst i guess. apologies in advance. feel free to shout at me. </p><p>i tried not to go too into detail because im not  about that gore. i just wanted to write the sad angsty side of it mostly.</p><p>this took like two hours and i didn't proof read so dont expect anything...grand. im just a sad bitch.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a trap. </p><p>All along, it had been a trap. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>The last thing Sam remembered before fading away was the musky smoke that had engulfed his entire body. </p><p>Rourke Farran had been there. Sam remembered that too.</p><p>Dark eyes, the curl of a smirk on thin lips. In that moment, the pieces had clicked together in Sam’s head. </p><p>“I heard you might stop by, Sam Cortland.” </p><p>Sam had tried so desperately to finish the job, lunging forward through the mist to get to the man. But the smoke had invaded every pore on his body. It had seemed to come from every direction, stuffing down his throat until he was choking on it. </p><p>And then Farran was gone, and the darkness overtook him. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>Sam could still smell the smoke lingering on his body when he awoke. But he was no longer choking. </p><p>Everything around him was darkness, but he was alive. His heart was still beating. </p><p>When he tried to move, he found himself unable to move, restrained by each limb. Thick leather straps bound him back to a stone wall. The cold seeped through the thin tunic he was wearing, the rest of his sleek leathers having been stripped from him.</p><p>He was restrained, but he was alive. That alone meant he had a chance. He could still get out. He just had to think. </p><p>
  <i>Think. </i>
</p><p>Sam squinted into the darkness, trying to make out any detail of the room around him, any hint of where he might be. </p><p>Nothing but pitch black. </p><p>He struggled at the bonds again, yanking and tugging to see if they would allow him any sort of movement. Again, nothing. </p><p>After so many years living in the Assassin’s Keep, he had heard reports of others being captured by Rourke Farran. Sam had heard the details of the brutal torture he inflicted upon his victims. Things he couldn’t even imagine in his worst nightmares. There had been several times where he had left a meeting only to empty his guts in the nearest toilet.</p><p>Sam’s breath quickened, now panicked. This was not a place he wanted to be in. He had to get out. </p><p>But the bonds would not give.</p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>Sam screamed until his throat was raw. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before a door finally opened, spilling light into the room. Sam squinted against the brightness, his eyes having been long accustomed to the darkness. There was a silhouette standing dark against the light, and Sam didn’t have to guess twice about who it might be. </p><p>The door shut again, and footsteps echoed through the room until Rourke Farran stepped into view. </p><p>Sam only stared across at the man. Farran smiled back, reaching up to test the bonds at Sam’s wrists.</p><p>“Little Sam Cortland,” he purred. </p><p>Sam followed his movements as Farran reached into his pockets, pulling out a small box from which he removed a match. He leaned forward, striking it against the stone wall next to Sam’s head. It burst into flame, and Sam watched as he ignited the two lanterns that he now realised were hanging on either side of him. “How long I’ve been waiting to get my hands on one of Arobynn’s most dear assassins. And here you are, so eagerly falling right into my lap. I really should be thanking you.” </p><p>He raked a nail down Sam’s cheek, and Sam recoiled at the touch. “You’re dead, Farran,” he spat. “There’ll be people looking for me.” </p><p>“Your dear Celaena Sardothien?” Farran hummed, almost sounding amused.<br/>
He turned away, and Sam watched as he moved to the other side of the room. </p><p>Now that the room was illuminated by the soft light from the lanterns, Sam could see what was hanging all around him. </p><p>Whips, chains, tools - most of which Sam tried to look away from. He didn’t want to think about the way they were used, what body parts they inflicted pain upon. </p><p>How many of these had been used to torture and kill others before him?</p><p>No. </p><p>No, no, no, no, no. </p><p>He wouldn’t go like this. He wouldn’t. </p><p>“She’s not coming.” Farran turned back to Sam, his smile widening by the second. His fingers were wrapped around the hilt of something, but Sam couldn’t quite make out what it was at that distance. </p><p><i>She’s not coming. </i>What was that supposed to mean? What did Farran know that he didn’t?</p><p>Sam struggled against the bonds again, and Farran only laughed. </p><p>Now that Farran was closer, Sam could see what he was holding. A whip. It’s long, slender tendrils dragged along the ground as Farran walked, his gait almost predatory. </p><p>Celaena wasn’t coming.</p><p>“My name is Sam Cortland,” he breathed, low enough that Farran couldn’t hear him, “and I will not be afraid.” </p><p>~ ~ ~ </p><p>Sam was sagging against the bonds by the time Farran was done with the whip. There was blood dripping onto the floor, and Sam counted the drips as they landed on the stones. </p><p>
  <i>One. </i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>Two. </p><p>Three. </p><p>Four. </p><p><i>…. Celaena.</i> </p><p>His vision was blurring, but he pushed against it. He wouldn’t let himself fall to this. Celeana was waiting for him. </p><p>Had he kissed her before he left? He couldn’t remember. </p><p>Had he told her he loved her? </p><p>She knew. Of course she did. But he just wished he had been able to say it again, one last time. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>The flames came next, licking at his skin and making him struggle desperately against the bonds to get away from the pain. </p><p>There was no mercy from Farran, not as he watched Sam’s skin blister from the heat with a sadistic grin painted across his mouth. </p><p>He wouldn’t beg. He wouldn’t. If these hours were to be his last, Sam wasn’t going to waste them begging to a man who took pleasure from his pain. </p><p>
  <i>My name is Sam Cortland...and I will not be afraid.</i>
</p><p>~ ~ ~ </p><p>The pain was blurring his memories of Celaena. Sam struggled against the darkness, trying to imagine the shape of her jaw, the feeling of her hair between his fingers. What did it feel like to have her pressed against him while they slept? </p><p>He wasn’t - </p><p>He couldn’t - </p><p>There was nothing but excruciating agony. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>Sam wasn’t sure how long it had been. Minutes, hours, days. It didn’t matter. The pain was never ending. How long did Farran intend to go on before he finally put an end to it?</p><p>Sam had long since given up thinking of ways to escape. He wasn’t sure his body could even handle the exertion of getting out of the bonds, let alone killing Farran and getting out of the room. </p><p>~ ~ ~ </p><p>
  <i>“I can wait.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>A kiss to her collarbone, his hand on her hips. </p><p>
  <i>“We have all the time in the world.”</i>
</p><p>What he would give to feel Celaena’s skin under his fingertips again. </p><p>Farran’s laugh echoed in his skull. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>Sam awoke next laying down. He had been moved from his place against the stone wall and instead been strapped against a cool slab of rock. The leather bonds felt looser, but Sam didn’t even have the energy to pull against them anymore. </p><p>There was a clock in his view now, and Sam blinked through his blurred vision to make out the time. </p><p>Just past midnight. </p><p>Celaena would be looking for him.</p><p>She would not find him.</p><p>The only bit of warmth Sam felt was the sliding of a tear down his cheek.</p><p>~ ~ ~ </p><p>He was lying in a pool of his own blood now, and when he slipped into consciousness to see the mess Farran had made of his body, he almost choked on his own vomit. </p><p>Farran was still there, looming over him. The smile was still on his lips. </p><p>Sam wished he could have been alive to see Celaena carve that smile from his face. </p><p>And she would. She might not come for him tonight, but she would not let Farran live once she found out what he had done. </p><p>His heart ached. Farran reached for a pair of pliers. </p><p>Sam would have gone through all this pain and more if it meant Celaena didn’t have to have her heart broken like this. They had been right on the edge of it - of leaving, of getting out of Arobynn’s reach. They had been so close. </p><p>They could have had all the time in the world. </p><p>Sam passed out again at the third fingernail. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>How long had it gone on?</p><p>The clock said it had only been a few hours, but it felt like an eternity.</p><p>How much longer? </p><p>Farran didn’t even want information. There was nothing Sam could give him to make this stop. He was doing it for the pleasure of it all, because he liked to listen to people screaming. </p><p>He could barely twist his head to look down at what had been done. His fingers were broken. He could see that much. There was blood pouring from his hands, his chest, his stomach. Farran had carved a word into his hip but Sam couldn’t make out what it said. </p><p>There was warm blood running down his face now too. He could taste it on his tongue, the metallic tang of it. </p><p>
  <i>My name is Sam Cortland… </i>
</p><p> ~ ~ ~</p><p>Sam’s biggest regret was that the last thing he would ever see was Farran’s face. His twisted, ugly smile. His eyes, dark and almost inhuman. </p><p>Why couldn’t Celaena’s face have been the last thing he laid eyes upon? </p><p>A tear slipped from his eye, carving a path through the blood that was slowly drying on his skin.</p><p>It was his final one. And Farran’s face, grinning down at him, was the last thing Sam ever saw before that knife was taken to his eyes. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>He was so tired. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>He would see her again. </p><p>Maybe not for a long time. He hoped it would not be for a long time, as much as that thought made his heart ache. </p><p>But Celaena would live. She would live without him. She would have the life he never got to live.</p><p>Sam loosed a shuddering final breath.</p><p>
  <i>My name is…</i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>My name…</i>
</p>
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